2013 was five years after I had started suffering from Anxiety, and also the year I had the biggest realisation to date.
I was holding myself back
Simple, and not particularly ground breaking do those around me, but the sudden thought that I was the person getting in my own way was a revelation. I don’t know what made me realise it, but i’m pretty sure it was when I was doing my usual wishful thinking that I could live my life like everyone else, and I suddenly realised I could. My fear of death was stopping me from living. Cliche no?
So I made a decision, I was gonna spend 2013 breaking down my boundaries. There was nothing too extreme about them, but everyone of them meant something to me.
- I left the country! For the first time in five years and with much support from the boy, I felt like I was ready to go on holiday. We booked a trip to Ibiza and I was off. I had had a pretty stressful day the day before however I felt suddenly at ease with the idea. It wasn’t easy but the control I had taken over my life made me stronger. We left at 7pm and arrived in Ibiza around 1am, the excitement definitely took over but as we arrived I felt shaky and weak, suddenly desperate to run away. The long journey scared me, reminding me of that overwhelming feeling from my last holiday of being so far from home. But I had come a long way since then and I was able to talk about what was going on in my head. I got a good nights sleep and though I feel anxious and a tad uneasy in the morning I settled in and learnt to love my time abroad. Breakthrough 1.
- I went away with my friends! One of my coping mechanisms had always been clinging to the people I was closest too, so going away with my friends was a huge step. Sure I was a bit nervous whilst I was there, but again I eased into it. The trouble I had had previously with other friends seeped its way in, making me worry that my friends were tired of me, that they could tell I was anxious or that they just put up with me because they felt they had too. However again I managed to talk to a friend about the way I was feeling and shake off my worries, and was able to enjoy my weekend without a single panic! Breakthrough 2.
- I ran 10k! Not only was I able to run further than I had ever thought I would be able to back in my fatty days, but I did it in a ridiculously big crowd. I reckon thats a 241! I had always suffered in big crowds so standing alone in the baking heat in my running gear I thought I would have really struggled. But I didn’t I focused my mind and I got over it, and I ran through it. That feeling of finishing was such an example of progression for me, a very proud moment! Breakthrough 3 and 4.
- I went to London! London, Manchester, city centres, The Trafford Centre… the list goes on. Places I was scared to go is the question, but London was the biggy, the one I avoided massively, but saw in my future. It was also a part of my original life plan, so surely I had to get over my fear of it soon?! And I did, I made my way through the crowds, got on the tube at peak time, went to the big monuments, all the places I would normally have avoided. I loved every minute of it, got used to it all instantly and couldn’t think for the life of me why I hadn’t been before. Breakthrough 5.
Okay, so these might not seem that huge to you, but they gave me a new lease of life, showed me that I was in charge of my own life.
The best part of it all was when, recently, I was talking to a work colleague about superstition, he was telling me of his foibles, the things that would worry him if he didn’t do it order. He turned and asked me if I had any, and I suddenly realised, I did have once, but they weren’t a part of my life anymore. That was a very good realisation.