Morning Anxiety and the Power of Thought

I suffer from anxiety a lot more in the morning.  Sure some people might call it getting up on the wrong side of the bed, but for me its innate anxiety that can denote exactly how the rest of my day will pan out.

Often as not I will wake up with that familiar numbness I get with anxiety, an almost hollow sadness takes over, and whilst I’m brushing my teeth, all my worries compound into fear.  Though I can happily say it happens less and less, sadly it still happens relatively frequently.  Some days I am able to shake it off and carry on getting ready and some days it seizes me.  

Once seized, my drive to work will seem a little bit greyer, sometimes my panic will try and attack me, telling my something will probably happen to me on my journey, trying to wrack my brain with anxiety.  As I arrive into work, everything is taken the wrong way and I find it hard to stop the tears prickling at the surface, just waiting for a moment to surge down my face.

So as you can imagine a really fun day ahead!

I never really knew how to deal with it, I would either make plans to leave work early, to go home and be by myself, feeling completely and utterly useless and down on myself, or by some luck it would slowly lift and I would find myself laughing at the jokes being cracked around me.  

Or I can just say No.  No to the anxiety taking over me.  No to its control of my actions.  No to the incredibly annoying tears.  As the spells were getting closer together I realised saying No was an option as well.  

As the anxiety started to fog up my brain recently, I smiled. Smiled and thought about the good things.  Like really cheesy and terrible advice that we ‘worriers’ are often given, I decided to look on the bright side.  I decided to choose happiness.  I thought of all the things I was thankful for, I had a great family, supportive boyfriend, wonderful friends, a steady job, the privilege of education, I was fit healthy and at that moment my IBS was relatively ok! Things were OK!  It seems simple and it won’t work for everyone, but filling my mind with things that made me genuinely smile, turned my forced grin into a genuine giggle from silly memories I had floating around my head.  Those few minutes helped to lift my mood and ultimately ease my anxiety.  Obviously if I was in the throws of a strong panic attack this might not work, but for the general low I feel in the morning it definitely triumphed.

I believe that we can choose to be happy.  To open our eyes to the world around us, to the beauty of nature, even when it is raining. To the love of others even when we don’t love ourselves that much.  Yes I have an issue with hormones, but that it is triggered by a thought, so surely I can use the power of thought to overcome it.  By choosing happiness, making a plan, having steps in place, we are taking control of our lives rather than letting Anxiety control it.  

Everyone, even people who don’t suffer from Anxiety and Depression, can choose to take control of their life.  Choosing to diet, to get fit, to start a relationship, to end a relationship, to go out even when you are feeling crap.  These are all moments when you are choosing to put yourself first.  To make yourself happier.  As long as you don’t live telling yourself that ‘once I am thinner/fatter I will be happier’, ‘Once I meet ‘the one’ I will be happier’ as speaking from my own experience, it won’t make you happier.  Don’t pin all your happiness on one goal, as if you fail so will your smile. You have to seek happiness and joy in the journey to getting there, on a day to day basis.

This has truly helped me in dealing with anxiety, although I’m also aware that sometimes a good wallow is also a great medicine!!

Speak Soon

Anxious Blonde

xx

Exercise and Anxiety

Exercise really helps my anxiety.  It also adds to my anxiety.

Fun hey?

I never really want to exercise, but I manage to go at least four times a week.  It gives me clarity and makes me feel more in control of my figure.  Thats also the part that adds to my anxiety, I feel like I have to do it or I was suddenly balloon and look very Aunt Marge in Harry Potter.  

I do find though when my brain is addled with anxiety and stress, it eases within a few minutes of exercising.  Its one of the strongest therapies I have ever found, and the only one thats an almost guaranteed aid.  The only problem is the vicious circle of desperately not wanting to exercise whilst feeling low and useless!

My Weekly Exercise

I try and run a minimum of three times a week, at the moment this is outdoor running on the opportune dry days of spring.  I either choose between Fartlek training or HIIT and trying to improve my speeds over distance.  As I said previously I ran 10K last year but tend to do a quick 5K and improve my speed

I also then do at least one day of freeweight training, and have recently started Pole Fit! Pole Fit is exactly what you don’t think it is, its so much fun and completely unsexy!! But its also an incredible strength workout 🙂

So thats my standard week, i’ll check back every so often to share my highs and lows of my battle with weight, food and exercise

Speak Soon

Anxious Blonde

xx

Why Me?

For a long time it felt like life was against me.

My family and friends have always helped me to keep perspective and i’m aware that living the life most of us do, we are innately lucky.  That is most definitely the rational part of my brain talking! However with the anxiety and the next few years it felt like I was being thrown obstacle after obstacle.

I had dropped out of uni, lost my way, struggled with friends, all relatively low level dramas but made harder to fight with an anxiety disorder.  Sadly it was due to get harder, and as the recession hit, any possible luck myself and my boyfriend could have had disappeared.  It was pretty brutal, on our knees financially for an extremely extended amount of time, we had no money to do anything, most of our dreams frittered away, and there didn’t seem to be a way out.

So I decided to do something for myself and enrol in University.  Obviously there was no way of quitting my job and going to uni, but I decided to stop wallowing in self pity, why me’s? and frustration over the way my life was mapping out and enrol with The Open University.  Suddenly I had a direction in my life and a spot of self belief, plus it’s affordable and can be done around work.  

Taking control and finding a way to look to the future helped me to navigate a way out of the depressive state I had fallen into.  Finally I was proud to say what I was doing with my life, and it felt so good to have some drive and get back into education.  I have just finished the third of four years studying English Literature and am still going strong.  The self belief that education has given me, has helped me massively to deal with my Anxiety.  However it has also brought a new thread of anxiety with my obsession around good grades!!

Sadly, the recession and the darkness it created consumed my relationship.  I think it was the anxiety too, I was so desperate to run away from the situation it got me into that in the end I did.  Anxiety played such a huge part in the downfall and the way I coped with the bad times that hit us.  However as it persevered it did make me stronger, yes it cost me huge parts of my life, but I learnt so much about myself and I learnt that most things tend to get better.  It seems so simple and pretty optimistic but I think this mantra summarises the way I learnt to deal:

Hope this helps others, it really is such an important message for any anxiety sufferer.

Speak soon

Anxious Blonde

xx

The year of Boundary breaking.

2013 was five years after I had started suffering from Anxiety, and also the year I had the biggest realisation to date.

I was holding myself back

Simple, and not particularly ground breaking do those around me, but the sudden thought that I was the person getting in my own way was a revelation.  I don’t know what made me realise it, but i’m pretty sure it was when I was doing my usual wishful thinking that I could live my life like everyone else, and I suddenly realised I could.  My fear of death was stopping me from living. Cliche no?

So I made a decision, I was gonna spend 2013 breaking down my boundaries.  There was nothing too extreme about them, but everyone of them meant something to me.

• I left the country! For the first time in five years and with much support from the boy, I felt like I was ready to go on holiday.  We booked a trip to Ibiza and I was off.  I had had a pretty stressful day the day before however I felt suddenly at ease with the idea.  It wasn’t easy but the control I had taken over my life made me stronger.  We left at 7pm and arrived in Ibiza around 1am, the excitement definitely took over but as we arrived I felt shaky and weak, suddenly desperate to run away.  The long journey scared me, reminding me of that overwhelming feeling from my last holiday of being so far from home.  But I had come a long way since then and I was able to talk about what was going on in my head.  I got a good nights sleep and though I feel anxious and a tad uneasy in the morning I settled in and learnt to love my time abroad. Breakthrough 1.
• I went away with my friends! One of my coping mechanisms had always been clinging to the people I was closest too, so going away with my friends was a huge step.  Sure I was a bit nervous whilst I was there, but again I eased into it.  The trouble I had had previously with other friends seeped its way in, making  me worry that my friends were tired of me, that they could tell I was anxious or that they just put up with me because they felt they had too.  However again I managed to talk to a friend about the way I was feeling and shake off my worries, and was able to enjoy my weekend without a single panic! Breakthrough 2.
• I ran 10k!  Not only was I able to run further than I had ever thought I would be able to back in my fatty days, but I did it in a ridiculously big crowd.  I reckon thats a 241!   I had always suffered in big crowds so standing alone in the baking heat in my running gear I thought I would have really struggled.  But I didn’t I focused my mind and I got over it, and I ran through it.  That feeling of finishing was such an example of progression for me, a very proud moment!  Breakthrough 3 and 4.
• I went to London!  London, Manchester, city centres, The Trafford Centre… the list goes on.  Places I was scared to go is the question, but London was the biggy, the one I avoided massively, but saw in my future.  It was also a part of my original life plan, so surely I had to get over my fear of it soon?!  And I did, I made my way through the crowds, got on the tube at peak time, went to the big monuments, all the places I would normally have avoided.  I loved every minute of it, got used to it all instantly and couldn’t think for the life of me why I hadn’t been before.  Breakthrough 5.

Okay, so these might not seem that huge to you, but they gave me a new lease of life, showed me that I was in charge of my own life.

The best part of it all was when, recently, I was talking to a work colleague about superstition, he was telling me of his foibles, the things that would worry him if he didn’t do it order.  He turned and asked me if I had any, and I suddenly realised, I did have once, but they weren’t a part of my life anymore.  That was a very good realisation.

Speak soon,

Anxious Blonde

xx